Some Hours Later

I'm not leaving my room. I can't leave my room.
The thought that Lilly thinks that I made a move on her boyfriend, that she probably hates me right now, and that that same boyfriend is just twiddling his thumbs like an asshole... It turns my stomach all in knots. I'm too sick to do much of anything. I'm streaming some shows on my laptop and just lying in my bed. Sometimes I dart out to pee. Sometimes I get food and bring it back with me. I told my mom that I have a bad fever and that I was lying down because of it. She asked if there was anything she could get at the convenience store for me. I couldn't think of anything that would fix this.

My Phone Conversation with Lilly, Paraphrased:

"Lilly? Is Tommy there?" -- me
"No, he had to get back home. What's wrong?" -- Lilly, concerned because my voice is all over the place.
"Everything's been fine?" I had to ask.
"Yeah, of course. Why are you asking?"
I skipped my turn to talk. I didn't want to.
"What?"
"So Tommy, just um... Tommy more or less tried to have his way with me."
"Oh, that's disgusting."
"Listen!"
"It's not funny." When she said it, her voice sounded angrier than I'd heard it in months.
"I'm not being funny! Tommy tried to pull some sort of shit with me. I bit him in the right shoulder. Hard. There'd be a mark. Look for it next time you see him."
"What were you two doing, necking?"
"I would never do anything like that to anyone - especially to your boyfriend - unless something serious were happening. You know that."
"Yeah, okay."
And then Lilly hung up on me.

So Much For That

When I thought about being more friendly to Tommy, I didn't think at all that anything bad would come of it. I am a stupid, stupid person.
Will, Lilly, Tommy, and I were hanging out together again. It more or less happened out of the blue when we ran into each other. Given that Will and I live a fair walk from town, Tommy offered to drive us home when we all, for various reasons, had to be off. He stopped at Will's place first. Lilly remembered that she'd left her favorite sweatshirt at Will's house, got out, and asked Tommy to grab her when he came back down the road. She and Will would kill some cigarettes in the meantime. Will had been watching Tommy all day, so I didn't want to seem weird about being alone in the car with Tommy. I asked Tommy if he was sure he wanted to keep driving, that I could just walk from here, but he laughed and said it wasn't a problem.
In my driveway, before I could get out of the car, Tommy had grabbed me again. He pulled me in for this kiss, during most of which he managed to bite my lips, and I just flipped. As you might be aware, the passenger's seat of a car isn't really a great place to flip out in. Tommy got the upper hand without a problem. Pants down, he started to put his hand up my skirt, and I bit the bastard. Just like last time. I'm glad I did. I think I bit hard enough to draw blood (either that or Tommy had split my lip open) and refused to let go. After that everything becomes a blur of hitting and squirming and struggle, but I somehow managed to knock Tommy against the steering wheel and dive out of the car. I ran into my house first thing, locked the doors, and watched through the window as Tommy gathered himself in the car and tried to deal with his bleeding problem. Evidently he had some solution, because I saw him give himself a final once-over and back out of my driveway.
I have to tell Lilly.

The Awkward Parts

I've caught Will giving Tommy suspicious glares lately. I'm trying not to panic, but I'm freaking the fuck out on the inside.
Truth is that I'm not really that upset about "the incident" the way most people would be. I'm not at all worried about what happened to me. Of course it was weird, and I'm not going to just ignore it, but I don't feel the need to obsess about it. I still see Lilly and Tommy together a lot. I'm just worried about her (there is also some horrible, masochistic part of me likes keeping an eye on their relationship). Will would make a big deal out of it if he knew, no doubt about it.
I've thought a lot about it, and at this point in time, silence is really the best (or the only) option. Anyway, that means I've had to be a lot more chummy around Tommy. I don't want to seem like I'm flirting with him or anything, but I have to appear to be free of tension and totally relaxed around him. It's probably too much precaution, but I do like to keep my secrets secret.

An Afternoon Incident

For the first time since "the incident" (so I'm calling it), Will, Tommy, Lilly and I were at Lilly's house. I adore her house. It's spacious, old, and deceptively roomy. It's usually just her and I, though. Her mom gets uppity about people she doesn't know well, people like Will (I find it funny that she's so comfortable with me, considering the things Lilly and I do), but she was gone this afternoon for some reason I didn't entirely pay attention to. Things were excellent for a while. We'd all smoked too much, and Lilly and I decided to introduce Tommy and Will to the joy of watching daytime TV while high. They weren't sure what to think at the beginning. Lilly and I had to take some nasty digs at the hosts and the participants before Will and Tommy realized we were serious and started to join in.

Lilly had gone to get something to snack on; I think she was making popcorn when it happened.

Tommy got it into his head to go join her in the kitchen, probably to grab Lilly while we weren't around. But when he got up from his chair and walked by me, situated on a pillow on the floor, he ran his hand lightly through my hair as he walked by. Will was staring dumb faced into the TV, face blank, as if he'd lost some significant train of thought. Tommy never touches me, and I'm careful not to give him the opportunity. I wanted to hit him, but he was too far away by the time I'd thought of it. I wanted to scream. I sat for a few seconds, trying to concentrate again on the show and think of something witty to say, but I was just... stunned. I got up and left for a cigarette with 30 seconds left on the microwave. I passed by Lilly and Tommy on the way out to the back yard (it's more like a back area), and I saw him kiss her on the forehead.

Will joined me a minute or two after I'd been outside. He said nothing while he lit up. Suddenly, he turned to me, and he said,

"Did Tommy just touch your hair back there?"

"Yeah, I guess." I took a drag big enough to make me cough.

"What was up with that?"

I shook my head, shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know, dude. It was weird."

"What do make of that?" Will asked, staring a hole into my cheek while I tried not to look at him.

"I think we're all just too high right now." I said, eventually.

We both laughed, and the subject was dropped.

“Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off”

I actually hate that song, but the sentiment makes me smile.
Lilly told me today she was up in the clearing with Tommy and saw the broken whiskey bottle. She wanted to know if I’d broken it. I couldn’t say anything, so I just shrugged my shoulders, shook my head, and made an ‘I don’t know’ face. I listened to her lament about how unfortunate it was someone else had found our clearing. She said she’d be taking our spare sweaters, socks, and shoes back to her place – “What if someone snagged them?”
I very much want to tell her what happened. I can’t even justify not telling her to myself. I don’t know why I’m maintaining my silence, and it’s only going to look worse the longer I wait. I helped her carry things on the way back down the hill to her house, biting my tongue the whole way.
I can’t do anything but watch Tommy. If I ever find out he’s hurt her, I will end him. I’ve sobered up a little lately. I won't to miss a thing.